BitRot - Just For You

Then "The Cat in the Hat" got made, and there's only one thing to say - the terrorists were right. This movie is so bad, I would suicidily fly a plane into a tall building if it meant taking out the executives responsible for it.

Problem 1: Awful story. Wait, let me amend that - there is no story. The Cat flips out for about an hour, that's it. Mike Myers mugs the camera as if this were an Austin Powers movie. Looking at IMDB, you can see there were three screenwriters credited. None of them ever wrote a movie before. Why did this film get made in the first place? The Grinch, essentially the same movie, made a tidy profit. That's a better incentive than that useless invention called a 'plot'.

Problem 2: Ghoulish Monsters. Look at this photo. Those aren't cute characters your children will love. They are abominations that are sure to cause nightmares.

Big Deal, you might be thinking, it's just another bad movie. Wrong, sucker. This is no ordinary bad movie. That's where we get to Problem 3: Promotional Juggernaut.

Universal Pictures spent way too much money making this movie. What's mind boggling is, they spend far MORE on advertising. No movie this year dropped more dollars on commercials. Then there's the sponsors:

"This is one of the largest promotional programs put into place because it's such a wonderful piece of Americana, and companies want to be associated in these times with something very American and very beloved," said Susan Brandt, vice president of licensing and marketing at Dr. Seuss Enterprises.

Translation: "I want your money".

The Cat in the Hat literally set the all-time records for most promotional movie tie-ins. I'm sure you've seen the garish Burger King commercials by now, they're harder to avoid than shitty Reality TV series. You can't twitch in a grocery store without bumping into some insulting movie sponsors. From terrible video games to heinous apparel, you literally cannot escape the marketing blitz.

The Biggest Problem: Retarded Moviegoers. Despite every critic on the planet hating it, TCiTH still became the #1 movie in the country, and with video/DVD sales, will make a good profit. It made $30 million dollars in its opening weekend, meaning that there are approximately 3 million idiots who couldn't think of a better way to spend two hours. There is no God.

This is why America is doomed. How are we going to stop terrorism, or make a rational decision over who's to become our next President? We're too busy paying money to insult our collective intelligence. Republican or Democrat aside, a person who has paid $10 to see The Cat in the Hat has no business deciding the future of our country.

As it has now been proven, if a company wants to take us in the rear end, it only has to 'lube us up' first with a hefty promotional budget. We will happily bend over and take whatever we're given, no matter how awful it may be. Why else would Ashton Kutchner be around? His incredible acting range?