BitRot - Just For You

If you think you have bad holidays, feel this guy's pain. Kinch is my roommate, and every year he flies across the country to be with his family. I don't know why he bothers. Each Christmas, they give him a terrible Christmas present, each worse than the last. I'm not talking about gifts on the level of a bad tie or those $9.99 tins of popcorn you see everywhere. No, these are truly heinous presents; that suggest no small level of malice to their intendant. Personally, and this is just me, I think his family wants to disown him, and use crappy gifts as a polite way of hinting at it. But without further ado, let us journey to Kinch Christmases past!

Now isn't that just adorable!? 2001's landmark of generosity was this miniature Taco Bell chihuahua. If you squeeze it, it warmly says "Yo quiero Taco Bell!". Although the lovable rodent may be gone from television commercials, his memory will live on forever, or until the battery wears out.

What made this gift so poignant is that Kinch's family actually owns a chihuahua who looks very similar to the plush toy. Apparently, the parents gave it to him to remember the dog by, since he moved away from home. Ironically, Kinch absolutely hates everything about that dog. I must confess to not being particularly fond of it myself, for reasons that I'd have to get into some other time.

Ah, the Simpsons Talking Watch. No other gifts sends the message so clearly: "I was going through the drive-thru on December 24th, and thought of you..."

Literally, that's what it says - this watch was available at Burger King for 99 cents when you purchased any Whopper. It's made of the highest quality plastic, and when you press the button on the side, Bart and Lisa chant "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Hilarious the first time, I admit; not so amusing from then on.

I come from a warm family myself, so I find this totally mind-boggling. Envision Kinch's parents eating at Burger King, see a 99 cent talking toy watch, purchase the watch, wrap it, and give it to their only son for Christmas. This family isn't in poverty, and this was not a gag gift; they handed it to him with a straight face, he tells me. Usually, this is the kind of thing you'd be describing to your psychiatrist when you're 40.

Special note: if you want a Simpsons watch for yourself, you can still purchase them for the low, low price of $7.99.

This year's latest offense is this fine Steelers Bobblehead keychain. It originally retailed for $3.49, as I found when I rescued this treasure from trash, where it lay unopened.

Although bobbleheads are inexplicably a hot trend, there are a few minor problems with this one.

1) It doesn't bobble. Unlike real bobblehead dolls, this knock-off has the head attached by a cheap spring. Instead of bobbling, it just shudders a little if you tap it. When shaken, it doesn't do anything at all.

3) The utter cheapness of the product means that it would fall apart if kept in your pocket for a week or so. This is only hypothesis, of course, since Kinch threw it away before tests could be done.

4) Although the Steelers are his favorite team, Kinch could not be caught dead with such a terrible accessory. If he was a small child or a truck driver maybe, but he works at a respectable job and would be subject to humiliation. Moreso than this webpage, I mean.